Doctors - What They Say / What They Mean

*NHS Doctors* -

"Well, what do we have here...?"
- He has no idea and is hoping you'll give him a clue.

"Let's see how it develops."
- Maybe in a few days it will grow into something that can be
cured.

"I'd like to prescribe a new drug."
- I'm writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea pig.

"If it doesn't clear up in a week, give me a call."
- I don't know what it is. Maybe it will go away by itself.

"That's quite a nasty looking wound."
- I think I'm going to throw up.

"This may smart a little."
- Last week two patients bit off their tongues.

"Well, we're not feeling so well today, are we...?"
- I'm stalling for time. Who are you and why are you here?

"I'd like to run some more tests."
- I can't figure out what's wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab
can solve this one.

"There is a lot of that going around."
- That's the third one this week. I'd better learn something
about
this.

"If the symptoms persist, call for another appointment."
- I've never heard of anything so disgusting. Glad I'm off next
week.

Private Doctors -

"This should be taken care of right away."
- I'd planned a trip to Paris next month, but this is so easy and
profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself.

"Let me check your medical history."
- I want to see if you've paid your last bill before spending
anymore time with you.

"Why don't we make another appointment later in the week."
- I'm playing golf this afternoon, and this is a waste of time.
or
- I need the money, so I'm charging you for another office visit.

"We have some good news and some bad news."
- The good news is, I'm going to buy that new BMW. The bad news
is,
you're going to pay for it.

"Let me schedule you for some tests."
- I have a forty percent interest in the lab.

"I'd like to have my associate look at you."
- He's going through a messy divorce and owes me a bundle.

"This should fix you up."
- The drug company slipped me some big bucks to prescribe this
stuff.

"Everything seems to be normal."
- Rats! I guess I can't buy that new broach for my mistress after
all.