Creative Insults- without swearing!

Looks like you're about 4 years too late for your abortion appointment.

Hey, I've got some extra money, here, PLEASE allow me to pay for your birth control.

I hope to god you're here for a hysterectomy.

I used to be pro-life, but you've convinced me to change my views.

If your mother were not a prostitute and your father a kitchen drudge, I might stir myself to be annoyed with you.
*insert name of least favorite coworker/family member/acquantance here*!

Meanie!

If your nature didn't lead you to trample everyone in your path with vindictive glee, you might be tolerable.

The day you were created, God was on vacation and had left a deranged monkey on mind-controlling substances in charge.

Since my last conversation, you have reached rock-bottom and has started to dig.

You! Out of the gene pool!

You are really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be.

I'd wish I could squash you like a bug, but then I'd have to touch you with my shoe.

Dick nose!

Turtle slime!

You work well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.

Oblivion!

When you open your mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet.

You would be out of your depth in a parking lot puddle.

You have delusions of adequacy.

You set low personal standards and then consistently fail to achieve them.

You are depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

You should go far, and the sooner you start, the better.

You got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.

A gross ignoramus...144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.

So, you don't have ulcers, but you're a carrier.

I would like to go hunting with you sometime.

You've been working with glue too much.

You would argue with a signpost.

You bring a lot of joy whenever you leave the room.

When your IQ reaches 50, you should sell.

If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one.

You have a photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.

Are you unsolvable like the pythagorean theorem?

You are a prime candidate for natural de-selection.

You donated your brain to science before you were through using it.

Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train ain't coming.

You've got two brains, one is lost and the other is out looking for it.

If you were any more stupid, you'd have to be watered twice a week.

If I gave you a penny for your thoughts, I'd get change.

Wow! If I stand close enough to you, I can hear the ocean.

It's hard to believe you beat off 1,000,000 other sperm.

You are one neuron short of a synapse.

Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; you only gargled.

It takes you two hours to watch '60 Minutes'.

The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.

He claims to be male, but knows colors like "maroon" and "sea-green"